The Lonely Hour
by Ralieber
Summary: Established Swan Queen; mostly Regina's POV. A series of events leads to a separation between Emma and Regina. Can the women find their way back into each other's hearts? Or have they been through too much to survive this together?
1. Never Going Back Again

**A/N: I do not own the show or characters, etc. This fic takes place in the future: Henry is 19 years old, Emma and Regina have been married for 4 years and started dating when Henry was 13. This story will be angsty but I promise it will have a happy, Swan Queen ending :)**

***Trigger warning for a miscarriage***

***Each chapter is titled after a song***

***All mistakes are my own***

* * *

**The Lonely Hour**

**Chapter One: Never Going Back Again**

*Present Time*

The door slammed shut with such force that Regina was surprised when the pictures did not fall off the walls. Away from prying eyes, she sunk down to the floor and broke down. She could remember the exact time she had last cried: three weeks prior. Every emotion she had been holding in for three weeks escaped from deep inside. Her perfectly drawn on makeup smudged within seconds.

Cries came out and the former evil queen sounded as though she was close to dying. Truth be told though, she thought she could die. Her emotions were ripping her raw and it was the most vulnerable she had allowed herself to be in about one year. It's too bad that she was the only one to witness the breakdown.

Emma had been begging Regina to show something, anything, so that she knew Regina still cared. Every time the Savior asked Regina kept her poker face on and refused to let herself show weakness.

Then one night she was completely blindsided and what she considered weak escaped before she could do anything to control it.

"I slept with someone else."

That sentence continued to sound on repeat in Regina's head for three weeks. Every time she thought she forgot about it, it all came rushing back.

So the brunette finally broke down freely, even though it was too late.

* * *

*3 Weeks Earlier*

They were sitting on the couch and the television was on, playing something Emma had picked out. Regina was flipping through a book and both women were silent. Emma's heart was beating so fast she was sure Regina could hear it. If she could, she didn't say anything.

The blonde was tired of not feeling anything. Well scratch that- she did feel something. She felt frustrated. Frustrated because Regina had been acting like a robot for the last year. She never showed emotion anymore. Emma never knew if Regina was happy, scared, sad, anything. The blonde begged and tried everything to better their relationship that she could think of but Regina wouldn't work with her. They barely spoke anymore, let alone show each other any affection.

Last week Emma went on a day trip to a nearby city and found herself at a bar. It happened to be a lesbian bar and Emma tried to drink her troubles away. When that didn't work, a woman started to flirt with the blonde and Emma didn't stop her. One thing led to another and Emma broke every promise about fidelity that she ever made to Regina.

She wasn't trying to make excuses for what she had done. But Emma _needed_ to feel something. She craved intimacy and affection and for someone to just _act_ like she mattered. And Regina wouldn't give her any of that.

"Regina, we need to talk."

Without even looking up from her book she replied, "What is it, dear,".

"I slept with someone else."

That got her attention.

The brunette froze before looking up at Emma.

"Excuse me?"

Emma took a deep breath as she felt her world start to crumble. "It happened last week and it meant mothing but-"

"Get out."

"What? Regina, let me explain."

"No!" Regina bellowed out. "There is no explaining!"

Emma pleaded, "Yes, there is. If you would just let me in and talk to me for once."

Regina finally reacted. "There is no way we be speaking now! I cannot believe you did this to me. _Especially _after everything we've been through together."

"_We_?! You barely acknowledge that I've been through anything. It's all about you, Regina. You won't even hold a conversation with me anymore that goes beyond the surface."

"Bullshit, Emma! You are just making excuses for your unforgivable action!"

"Regina, please-"

"I said get out!" Regina jumped up and threw her book across the room. Pages ripped out as it slid across the floor.

Emma jumped at the outburst and tears started pouring down their faces.

A muffled, "Regina", escaped from Emma's mouth.

"I do not want to see your face again. Do not try and contact me. You will see your stuff eventually. Now get the hell out of my house."

Emma took a step closer to Regina to try and reason with her. That provoked Regina to pick up a nearby glass and chuck it across the room as well. It crashed into a million little pieces, similarly to both of their hearts.

The blonde realized there was nothing more she could do at that moment so she grabbed her wallet, keys, and phone and walked to the door.

She hesitated with a hand on the doorknob as she turned to face the brunette.

"I love you, Regina," she whispered.

Regina shook her head and said, "No,".

Emma could see the tears falling down her face. She forced herself to leave even though she could barely see through her own tear-filled eyes.

The door silently opened and Emma slipped through. She quickly drove away in the Bug. Regina didn't know where she was going and part of her didn't care but another part of her wanted to know so bad.

There was a time in her life when Emma was the one person she could always turn to. At this moment, she silently wished for everything to go back the way it was before everything went downhill a year ago.

_No. I cannot think about that. What happened, happened. And nothing is going to fix it. Especially not Emma._ Regina thought to herself.

After Regina had spent the better part of twenty minutes sobbing into her hands, she forced herself to pick up the pieces. The brunette had been grieving for one year and ultimately decided that she needed to pick herself back up. Sure, Emma was there for her but she didn't suffer the way that Regina did. She figured that if her own wife couldn't heal her, the only person to do it was herself.

What Regina failed to realize was that Emma had spent a year repairing herself _and_ her wife. Or at least she tried to. Regina hardly payed Emma any attention anymore and she didn't make an effort in their relationship.

But Regina didn't see it that way. So she picked up her phone and typed out a quick text to the blonde.

**Regina: **Emma, you should be thankful that Henry is out of town for school. Don't you think I have suffered enough? Or was this just your way of making sure that I truly die inside? I trust that you are at your mother's house and not off screwing someone else, again.

Satisfied with her message, she pressed "send". Regina went upstairs and begged for sleep to take her another world: any world except for her own.

A minute later she received a reply from Emma.

**Emma:** Yes, I am at Mary Margaret's. When are you going to stop acting like you were the only one who lost our daughter?

After reading the text from the blonde, Regina clutched the phone to her chest and bawled herself to sleep.


	2. Tear Us Apart

**A/N: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story. I hope you continue to do so xx**

* * *

**Chapter Two: Tear Us Apart**

*Present Time*

The broken down former queen pulled herself together and tried to clean up her makeup. She felt numb as she gazed emptily towards the kitchen.

Regina made a cup of tea before retreating to her office to distract herself with mayoral paperwork. As much as she tried to focus, nothing held her attention.

The familiar ringing of a Facetime call on her iPhone sounded throughout the office. With her reading glasses perched on her nose, she recognized Henry's picture as soon as she glanced down.

"Hi, Mom," his now deep voice rang out.

"Hi, honey," Regina waved at her son through the screen.

Henry squinted at his mom. "Are you okay? Have you been crying?"

Regina inspected her appearance in the little box in the upper corner. Her face was still red and her eyes were puffy.

"Oh, it's nothing, sweetie. How are _you_? I school going well?"

"Yeah, Mom. It's good. You know that if you're upset you can talk to me about it."

"I know, baby. How are your grades?"

"The same as when you asked two days ago. Is Ma there?"

"Umm, no. She's with your grandmother. Let's not about life on this end right now. I'm not in the mood. Tell me about you, please."

Henry rolled his eyes at his closed off mother. "Mom, you're never in the mood. Just don't shut Ma out, okay?"

He paused before continuing, "But school is good. I think I'm going to join the intramural lacrosse team. That way it's something fun and active to do but not too organized and strict as some of the other sports here."

"That sounds wonderful! Maybe we could drive down some weekends to watch you play."

"That sounds great."

Henry gave Regina a smile so similar to Emma's that it made her heart race. They both give it to her when they know something's bothering her and she won't tell them the whole truth. They know not to push her, so give her that smile instead and it usually gets her to talk. Regina took that as her cue to hang up.

"Well, dear, I have a mountain of paperwork piling up that I should get back to. Thank you so much for calling. Keep up the great work."

"Alright, Mom. I love you. And tell Ma I love her too."

When he disappeared from her phone she felt guilty. Even though he was her son, she still felt bad for not telling him that her and Emma were hardly speaking.

* * *

*Earlier that day*

The mayor's phone buzzed with another text message and she was so annoyed that she almost threw it across the room.

Another text from her wife.

Emma had been trying to give Regina space but she still kept texting her: asking to know how she was, if she needed anything, if Regina would see her. Finally, the brunette was at her wit's end and she caved.

**Regina: **Fine. Be here in twenty minutes. But don't expect much.

She finally agreed to see Emma for two reasons. One, she couldn't take the begging anymore and figured this would end it. Two, because she truly missed her lover. Not the Emma she's been sharing a home with for the past few months but the Emma before everything fell apart.

Before the blonde arrived, she made it a point to check her appearance in the foyer mirror. The familiar feel of butterflies made their way into her stomach; a palce they haven't graced in a year.

"Pull it together, Mills," she said to herself.

A couple of minutes later, there was a soft knock on the door before a wave of blonde curls entered the mansion. She gave Regina a shy smile when she saw her perched on the living room sofa.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"Hi, Regina. And sure."

They both walked to the kitchen and the brunette poured them each a glass of water.

"You don't need to treat me like a stranger, this is my house too."

Regina snapped, "But that's exactly what you are. A stranger,". She opened her mouth again when she saw the blonde's face, about to apologize but quickly changing her mind. "I told you not to expect much."

Emma looked down at her shuffling feet and tried to keep her cool.

"How have you been?"

"I've been better. How about you?"  
"Yeah, same."

They stood in the kitchen surrounded by the most uncomfortable silence either of them had ever felt. They could hear their hearts beating they were so nervous and uncomfortable.

Finally, Regina broke the silence. "Do you need to pick up any more of your clothes to take back with you to Mary Margaret's?"

The blonde threw her head back in frustration. "Jesus, Regina! I came here to _talk _to you, not have you throw me out even more."

"And what exactly was it you were hoping to talk about? Maybe what exactly was going through your head when you decided to fuck somebody else?!"

The tension was now gone: it was full on anger in that room. They put their glasses down on the counter and began to raise their voices at each other.

"I know what I did was wrong and unforgivable but you can't push this all on me."

"How can I not?! I didn't ask you to violate every single one of our promises to each other."

"No, but you still broke yours too."

"I beg your pardon," Regina was in disbelief.

"You shut me out when we needed each other the most and you acted like I had no feelings or investment in what happened a year ago."

"Don't you dare bring this up," Regina took a step back as Emma took one closer.

"We _have_ to. This is what started everything. I think about her every day."

The brunette was shaking her head, "Please don't say her name,".

"Sophie. I think about our beautiful daughter, _Sophie_, every damn day. God, you can't even say her name."

"No! You aren't the one who lost her!"

Emma was so frustrated with her wife being so blinded by her own pain.

"Regina, just because you were pregnant with her and miscarried doesn't mean I didn't lose her too. I lost her and you."

"I'm not the one who left my family for some cheap lay," Regina's words were laced with venom.

"I'm not trying to excuse what I did but, Regina, you pushed me away. You shut me out completely and disregard my feelings. I know that you carried her, but it doesn't make her any less mine. Just like how Henry isn't any less yours."

"No but you abandoned him too before, just like you're doing now," Regina's words were so hurtful that it almost erased all the growing she had done as a person and a partner over the years.

Emma shook her head and backed away as tears poured down her face.

"I expected more from you, Regina. Maybe not seven years ago but definitely now. I guess I was wrong."

"I guess you were." Regina was fighting back the tears, desperate for Emma not to see them.

The blonde stormed off and slammed the door without a glance behind her.

The mayor knew what she did was wrong but she just couldn't help herself. All of her emotions pushed her to the edge and the poisonous words slipped out without even a thought. her wife was right: she had fought so hard not to be this person for years. Why was it so easy to slip right back?

Finally, she sunk down to the floor and broke down.


	3. You Me

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews- please continue to do so xx**

* * *

**Chapter Three: You + Me**

She's standing in the corner of a dark and dirty room. In the middle, there's a bed with two people on it: Emma and a faceless woman. Emma tells Regina to come closer so she can get a better look. The brunette doesn't want to but she has no control as her body moves forward. Then Emma starts kissing this woman but keeps her eyes locked on Regina. She opens her mouth to yell but nothing will come out. The blonde woman begins to laugh maniacally when she sees the pained expression on her wife's face. Tears pour down Regina's face as she begs for an escape.

And then she wakes up.

This was the third time she had this exact dream. Waking up now was no easier than the other nights. The mayor ran to the bathroom as she felt the bile creep it's way up her stomach. She realized that the tears she felt in her dream were actually very real: they continued to pour down her face.

While Regina wasn't admitting it to Emma, she knew that she hadn't been perfect. But she can't get the fact that Emma slept with someone else out of her head. It repulsed her every time she thought about it.

_How could she have done this to me?_

That question repeated over and over in her head as she sat on her bathroom floor with tears running down her face.

God, what she wouldn't do for a drink right then. Then she realized it was technically Saturday. 1:46 Saturday morning to be exact. But that meant she didn't have responsibilities until 8 a.m. Monday morning.

"Fuck it," she thought t herself as she made her way downstairs. She definitely wasn't going back to sleep where she could have another one of those nightmares again.

There was a full bottle of whiskey calling the mayor's name on her bar top. So what if her and Emma bought it together to share for the upcoming party the Charmings were throwing?

_Oh yeah. I wonder if she expects me to still come to that. She can keep dreaming if she thinks that's happening._

The brunette poured herself a decent sized glass and put some ice cubes in it. After she eyed the glass for a minute, she realized she needed a quick fix so she got out a shot glass as well. She quickly downed three shots, not totally immune to the burning sensation running down her throat.

In an attempt to be semi-responsible, she drank half a glass of water before drinking the entire glass of whiskey she poured first.

Several shots and thirty minutes later, Regina was plastered. She turned some music on their surround sound and began dancing her troubles away.

There were things she felt as though she _needed_ to tell Emma. The whiskey made her feel more confident and defensive while these things she needed to say became, apparently, more and more important. So she got her phone and began to type out text messages.

**What she thought she sent: **I can't believe you did this to me. You're Emma. You were never supposed to hurt me.

**What she actually sent: **I slab fb believe u didthis tou me. your emma you were neve suppliers to hurt Mae

It was a good thing her phone had decent auto correct and Emma could decipher drunk Regina text messages.

**Emma: **Regina, I'm not having this conversation with you while you're drunk. Call me in the morning when you've sobered up.

**What Regina thought she sent:** You would like that, wouldn't you? What exactly were you thinking when you fucked someone else? Did you even think about your wife for one second?

**What Regina actually sent:** Yu wuold liek that eould nt you? what exaclt y were yuo thininnkg whn u fukked osmenkn els? did you even thindkss abut ur wief 4 on scoend ?

**Emma: **Regina, stop it. Go to bed and stop drinking, please. I'll tell you anything you want when you're sober.

**What Regina thought she sent: **I want you to tell me if you cried out her name when you came just like you always do mine.

**What Regina actually sent: **i wntn youo to tlel me if you cire d her name when u came jsut lkei ouy alwyaa s do mine

**Emma: **Not that I should even be responding, but I didn't even cum.

**What Regina thought she sent: **Is that supposed to make me feel better?

**What Regina actually sent: **IS THat supsos rd to make sme feel better

**Emma: **Maybe. Idk. Can we please talk about this when you're not drunk?

Regina didn't respond and Emma wasn't sure it was because she fell asleep or grew angrier with the blonde. Truth was, Regina just didn't know what to say to her wife anymore.

**Emma: **I'm sorry.

A minute later and still no response.

**Emma: **I love you.

The mayor was still furious but she was more upset than anything at the moment. She was finally lulled back to sleep by her own tears.

* * *

When Regina woke up roughly six hours later, he head was pounding. She frowned at the memory of drinking all that whiskey.

_Why is my phone next to me?_

After she went through last night's text messages, she was horrified.

"What the fuck," she exclaimed aloud.

The brunette couldn't believe her bluntness to Emma. Her cheeks reddened at the thought of the conversation they'll most likely be having in the near future.

She slowly got out of bed and headed straight downstairs. After she poured a shot of whiskey, she brought it up to her mouth and murmured, "hair of the dog,". Regina was proud of herself for not gagging and she went straight to the kitchen for a gigantic glass of water. She chugged it and poured herself another glass of water before heading upstairs to shower.

The steam around her and hot water pounding on her body started to make her feel a little better.

The former evil queen thought to herself about when Emma said she expected more from her. In all honesty, Regina thought she was doing pretty damn good. If this had happened to her when she was in the same mindset she was in seven to eight years ago, she wouldn't have stopped drinking. Sure, she went a little overboard last night but shouldn't she be allowed a little slip up every now and then?

Yes, she realized she was harsh with Emma last night but she would have been much more cruel before. As much as she wanted to push the Savior away, she wasn't ready.

She allowed the water to blend in with the new tears that started falling down her face. She couldn't hold her emotions back when she reflected on how much her life was surrounded by love now. Even though she didn't feel the love at that moment, she knew she would never give up on it. The brunette just wasn't quite ready to work on it yet.

* * *

Regina spent the remainder of her day, once again, trying to distract herself. She blared classical music throughout the house (which Emma hated) while she cleaned the house from top to bottom. She caught up on a book she was trying to read and even watched a little television.

Surprisingly, the rest of the day went by pretty fast and it was time for Regina to retreat to her lavish bed.

As she lay in bed, she remembered one particular night in which her and Emma got completely wasted together. Unlike last night, this was a fun night of drinking they shared. They were on their way home from a Halloween party last year and they just couldn't stop giggling the whole walk home. Now Regina can't remember what they were laughing at. But that didn't matter: she could still remember the feeling of pure bliss from all of their giggles.

Emma had coordinated their outfits that Halloween, much to Regina's dismay. The blonde was Thor and her wife was Black Widow. The skintight leather outfit Regina donned all night made it impossible for Emma to keep her hands to herself. And if Regina admitted it, she loved seeing her partner dressed up as a goddess with superhero strength.

By the time they made it home, both women were equally drunk and turned on. They couldn't even make it up the stairs so Emma pushed Regina up against the closed front door once they got inside and ran her hands all along her body. She unzipped the leather outfit and forcefully grabbed one of her breasts, pulling on a hardened nipple in the process. Wasting no time, Emma slipped her hand between Regina's open legs and found that the brunette was ready for Emma.

In present time, Regina's eyes were closed and she slowly realized that her own hand was teasing herself by tracing lines around where Emma was touching her in her mind. She licked her lips and gulped as she realized how horny she was. There was a voice inside her head telling her to just ignore everything and go to sleep but there was another voice, a much more sultry voice, telling her to keep going and imagine Emma there with her.

Of course, she listened to the second voice. Her clothes came off and she found herself almost as wet as she was on the night of that Halloween party. One hand was buried inside of herself as her palm rubbed her clit in just the right way while her other hand was pinching and pulling on her nipples. She cried out her wife's name as she came, wishing Emma really was there with her.

Regina could barely keep her eyes open as she thought to herself that not only did she still love Emma, she was still _in love_ with her. A lone tear fell down her face as she fell asleep better than any other night those last weeks.


End file.
